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Balancing life, anxiety, self worth, and getting sick
You’d think after 25 years I would have developed a better coping mechanism when I got sick. Well, I have — kinda.
When I’m well, I do really well. I take my mistakes in stride, I work and churn out ideas, and somehow make time for doing the things I love. When I get sick, I panic. I relate my symptoms to my most traumatic experiences, and wonder if this time I’ll get that sick again. I sit in bed (arguably for good reason) and think about how lazy I am. And often times, I wonder if I just don’t know how to have CF. “For god sake, you have a chronic illness, you should know how to be sick and do life.”
These are thoughts that I’ve always had. Even as a middle schooler, I would berate myself for getting sick. But, like I said, I’ve developed better coping mechanisms. I’m not going to lie, these thoughts still surface. But, I try not to dwell in them and I try to gently remind myself that this, too, will pass. As cliché as that sounds. I acknowledge the thoughts as they come, and if I feel like I have the energy, I break them down.
Are you actually lazy? What about all the things that you’ve done that brought you to this point. And then, I let myself be proud of me. Because, a lot of the time, I am working while being sick and my mind clouded. And heck, that’s pretty awesome.
Honestly, I’d rather be healthy and live life. But, doing life sick shows me what my body and mind are capable of.
What about you guys?
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