It’s not easy, but I’m learning how to ask for and accept help

“Can you help me?”

It seems like a simple request, but it’s not so easy for me to say those words. I feel guilty asking for help and ashamed that I need assistance.

Living with cystic fibrosis can make me feel like a burden because of my health circumstances and requirements. Being surrounded by able-bodied people in a culture of radical independence has also shaped my perception of disability. Because our society tends to value productivity over character, many people have made hurtful comments about me. All of this has scarred me in many ways.

I’ve often felt pressured to do everything myself. In the past, this caused me to retreat inward and never ask for help. Traumatic experiences led me to believe that my disability was a burden to others, so I did everything I could to measure up to my healthy peers. That belief damaged me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I learned the hard way that working harder and pushing my body further does more harm than good.

It’s heartbreaking that asking for help has such a negative connotation in our society. I’ve seen many people struggle in isolation because of the false narrative that everyone should be able to do everything on their own. This is vastly different from the reality of what it means to be human.

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A work in progress

Prior to my double-lung transplant eight years ago, I was determined to keep up with my able-bodied peers. I didn’t give myself any grace when I was sick. I wanted to appear as though I could handle everything on my own and didn’t need any special treatment because of my life-threatening illness.

I was humbled pretty quickly when I went into respiratory failure in 2017. I didn’t have the luxury of not accepting help from others. I needed help with things I’d done independently since I was a toddler, such as showering, walking, and going to the bathroom. I learned valuable life lessons as my abilities were stripped from me overnight.

Yet in my dire situation, people’s kindness and care shone brightly. My inabilities were met with compassion and grace rather than judgment and guilt trips. This began to shift my beliefs about how people respond to vulnerability and dependence. I realized that not everyone views the need for help as a burden.

Needing and asking for help reminded me that I’m human. None of us can do everything alone, nor were we designed to. We were made for community, and relying on one another is essential to our well-being.

On this side of transplant, sometimes it’s still challenging for me to accept help. Thanks to my husband, though, I’ve come a long way. It upsets him when I don’t ask for help or allow him to assist me, yet his patience with my independent tendencies is an incredible gift. It’s been a continual learning curve to receive his help freely without feeling like a burden. He even thanks me for asking for help — like, who does that?

I’m so grateful for those in my life who have steered me away from radical independence. I’m a work in progress, but my husband has made it easier to accept help.

Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.