September means seasonal anxiety, but I’ve learned to find balance

At 54 years old, and five years after my double-lung transplant, I feel September’s arrival differently than most do. I don’t just notice Pennsylvania’s crisp air or the dry leaves crunching underfoot. The month carries a weight that goes beyond seasonal change for people like me who are living with cystic fibrosis (CF). It signals the start of cold and flu season, a time that is never just about sniffles and coughs.

In September 2020, the world was battling the COVID-19 pandemic. There weren’t any vaccines or treatments for it yet, hospitals were overwhelmed, and ventilators were scarce. I’d already spent nearly two years on the United Network for Organ Sharing waiting list, knowing that a single virus could instantly disqualify me or worse. My family and I lived with constant vigilance, and every decision was filtered through one question: How do we keep me safe long enough for me to get new lungs?

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Then, September 5 arrived. On that day, I received a phone call that changed everything. “We have a match!” the voice on the other end of the line said.

Later, while walking into the hospital, I feared two things: First, I might not survive the surgery, and second, I might get COVID-19 with new lungs and an immune system that had been wiped clean. In the hospital hallways, one could sense the exhaustion and urgency, as medical staff were stretched beyond comprehension. Everyone wore a gown and a mask. I prayed that my body would accept the new lungs and that I’d be breathing when I awoke from surgery.

Thankfully, both things were true, and I received my second chance at life. Every day since then, I’ve practiced gratitude. Still, every September, when people start coughing in the grocery aisles at the supermarket and elsewhere, a quiet anxiety settles in.

Trauma doesn’t always manifest like a scream; often it’s more like a whisper, appearing in the ordinary moments of the day. It could be a child wiping their nose in the checkout line, or a sneeze echoing throughout a church. It could be the first back-to-school cold that’s circulating in the community. For most people, these might be minor nuisances requiring simply tissues and cough syrup. But for those of us with CF or other chronic conditions, they’re reminders of fragility, risk, and how close we’ve been to losing everything.

I now focus on living fully, and fall is my favorite season. But I still have memories of 2020, such as the sleepless nights my family experienced and the constant worry we all faced. The passage of time can’t erase that. So I reflect on the seeming contradiction of the joy of my survival and the weight of having to be constantly vigilant. I search for a balance between fear and resilience. It’s not about dwelling on the past, though, but rather honoring the complexity of survival.

For others in the CF community who are navigating similar seasonal anxiety, please know that your feelings are valid. The heightened awareness, the mental calculations, and the way certain sights and sounds transport us back to our hospitalizations and close calls aren’t because we’re being overly cautious, but rather realistically protective of our lungs.

Those of us with CF understand what others might not: September isn’t just about pumpkin spice and cozy sweaters. For us, it’s about the annual recalibration of risk and the quiet conversations about whether or not to attend that wedding or crowded concert.

As the month unfolds, my goal is to avoid letting this anxiety overwhelm me and steal autumn’s beauty. I’ll take reasonable precautions as I remember the darkness of 2020 and celebrate the light of 2025.

Five years after my transplant, I’m still learning about balance.

I’d love to hear how you cope and find balance this time of year. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. 

Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.