Being a perfectionist about my health didn’t lead to perfect health

For me, cystic fibrosis (CF) was extremely aggressive and relentless.

Breathing was always a struggle, and I was constantly congested. Germs would set up shop, wreaking havoc on my airways. My days were filled with nebulizers and airway clearance treatments, and beginning and ending each day with both was standard procedure; I’d often stay up later than my body could handle to complete them. I was frequently in the hospital for IV antibiotics and aggressive breathing treatments.

I worked my butt off to stay on top of my health. I never missed, skipped, or forgot to take my medication. During cold and flu season, I’d stay home. I didn’t want to jeopardize my fragile lung health, so I was often isolated, as I lived alone. It was hard to say no to plans with friends, but I didn’t want to risk catching something and ending up in the hospital. Every time I got sick, my lungs took a hit, so I learned not to risk it. Protecting my health meant spending a lot of time by myself.

When it came to my health, I was a perfectionist; one could say I was the picture of compliance in regards to managing my CF.

But I couldn’t keep up; I couldn’t avoid the respiratory infections that killed my lungs, no matter how hard I tried, and eight years ago, I still needed a double-lung transplant. It was the toughest pill to swallow, but it saved my life.

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Not perfect, but good enough

I had thought that if I worked my hardest and complied with all of my treatments and medications, then I would remain healthy and never need a transplant. Meanwhile, being a perfectionist probably wasn’t the best for my mental health, even if it did make a difference physically.

I put so much pressure on myself to have perfect health. I powered through so many tears every time I had to be hospitalized. It felt like I failed somehow. The expectation of perfect health set me up for heartache. Thankfully, I’ve let go of these misguided notions.

If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to give myself some grace. Perhaps I just needed permission to be sick. Even in the midst of it, there were still people telling me that, if my lung function declined, it must be because I hadn’t taken care of myself. Apparently, I wasn’t alone in believing that doing everything right would guarantee perfect health.

I’m still a compliant patient, even with my new lungs, but I’ve come to realize that being compliant while living with a chronic health condition doesn’t mean my health will be perfect. It’s just not that clear-cut. I’ve learned to take comfort in the knowledge that perfect health isn’t achievable.

I do my best regularly, and that’s good enough.

Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.