This winter solstice, I reflect on moving from darkness to light

I’m no stranger to frigid temperatures and dark days, as it often feels like the tundra here in Vermont. As we approach the winter solstice, I’m reflecting on the symbolism of letting the light in after dark times.

I was born in the wee hours of Dec. 22, just as we in the northern hemisphere are emerging from the darkest day of the year and tiptoeing toward lighter days.

My journey with cystic fibrosis (CF) has been tumultuous. My CF lung disease was aggressive. No matter how hard I worked to keep my lungs clear, the unending production of mucus stole my breath and threatened my life. Without my double-lung transplant eight years ago, I wouldn’t still be here. It’s humbling, to say the least.

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From the dark days of a CF diagnosis came newfound strength

I’ve experienced many dark days in my life. Struggling to breathe often left me in survival mode. Fighting for my life while enduring medical trauma took a mental toll. Living on high alert regarding my health was exhausting. And the emotional impact of being told repeatedly that I would die prematurely continues to haunt me.

It’s a lot.

Clinging to the light

Moving from darkness to light isn’t easy. It’s taken intentional effort to keep myself rooted in what’s true. I thank God that an organ donor saved my life, and I have healthy lungs to breathe with now. As a therapist who also sees a therapist, I’ve learned skills for processing trauma, coming out of survival mode, and regulating hypervigilance. It feels like a giant middle finger to those who told me I would die young.

Anxiety can play tricks on me. By urgently reminding me that I don’t know how much time I have left, it has prevented me from living the life I want to live. Anxiety makes it extra challenging to trust that I have healthy lungs and can rest in that truth.

When I focus on what’s true, though, everything changes. I remember that nobody knows when they will die. This allows me to be more present, to enjoy every moment, and to be thankful for all I get to do with my new lungs. I have the capacity to dream about the future and make plans without fearing what could happen.

Sometimes it’s a matter of determination. I’m determined to bring light into dark situations. It takes a conscious effort to stay present and not allow the past to infiltrate what I’m currently walking through. Keeping hope alive allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other, which stabilizes my mental, emotional, and spiritual health, even when my physical health is a challenge.

I’ve clung to light during dark times more times than I can count. In desperate moments when I wasn’t sure if I could hang on anymore, the people around me uplifted me. My faith in God has also carried me through what I didn’t have the strength to endure. Developing resilience in the face of constant health struggles has made me who I am today.

As I sit here drinking coffee in my favorite mug that says, “My cup runneth over,” I’m reminded that, despite it being the darkest month of the year, my upcoming birthday is a blessing. I’m living proof that statistics will never have the last say. I will always choose to focus on brighter days, even if I have to squint to see the light.

Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.