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Why Is It So Hard To Take Time To Recover? (Is This Just Me?)
In one week, I have choreographed over 33 minutes of dance. That’s 60+ people orchestrated in fully comprehensive, every-second-accounted-for dancing (in my head), so I can continue our Fall show preparations, even while recovering from the surgery that’s to come in a few days.
I won’t be able to “demonstrate” movements when I come out of surgery. Because I have this mind-body link when it comes to making up dances (I do a lot of gestural stuff that has never been as easy as sitting and saying: “Plie… now soutenu” and so on. It’s harder when the steps don’t have names and rules, I guess?), I need to make it up beforehand, so I can have my Rehearsal Director learn it and teach it, while I direct and observe.
My Rehearsal Director spend about 20 hours in studio with me last week attempting to learn it all, and many more starting tomorrow (the day before surgery) to finish it off. As you can imagine: she is not paid enough.
I am also trying to write columns ahead so I don’t fall behind in work (knocked out 5 yesterday!), and reply to emails, and postpone doctors and all the many things… simply to “afford” the right to have surgery.
Do you ever think about weird that is? How weird this life can be? I know if I financially could just take time off it would be a different set-up, but (for me at least) it is a HUGE undertaking to take time, and enormously hurts our livelihoods, bank account and ability to stay afloat. Still, the amount of energy and pain tolerance it takes to prep these things while feeling horrible enough to warrant surgery is oxymoronic.
I’m doing more as I hurt more, so then I can go and hurt even more, to feel better. (That is a LOL for sure)
Question For You: Do you prefer to know about a surgery ahead of time OR have it be urgent and no-questions asked?
Any examples of surprising procedures or waiting-way-t0o-long operation countdowns in your past?
Are people (bosses, co-workers, caretakers) considerate of your need for time off, or has it also been a struggle?
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1 Reply
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I’m going to replace surgery with hospitalization, since I’ve not been subject to many surgeries, but have had a good number of 2-week or longer hospitalizations. Some have been planned and others have been unexpected and urgent. There are pros and cons to both (which sounds silly as one might think that any hospitalization belongs exclusively on the cons side of the chart).
When they are planned, I can make preparations which is always nice. I can pack what I need to pack, make sure certain things are organized or planned for, and get my house in order so I come home to a somewhat clean home.
But it feels like I receive more understanding and grace (from myself and others) when it is urgent and unexpected. Kind of like, “Oh my gosh, this is scary, is there anything I can do to help? Take care of yourself. Don’t worry about anything other than getting better.” Where planned hospitalizations seem pretty run of the mill and I don’t want to ask for accommodations from anyone.
So, I’d like to say I prefer to know in advance, but it seems easier to cut myself some slack when it’s unexpected. As I’m typing this, I’m being confronted with the guilt I oftentimes feel over hospitalizations and feeling like I’m a burden to others. I’ve talked with my therapist about this more than once, but the feelings still linger. Can you relate?
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