A Few Words for Those I Let Down in 2019
It’s a new year. For many, that means a fresh start. A chance to clear your mind and move past burdens you wish to leave behind.
I have never really been into this concept, for no particular reason. However, 2019 was easily the hardest year of my life. Cystic fibrosis was getting the best of me, and I let it. I let many people down. It was a great source of anxiety for me. Now that I have some mental clarity, thanks to the new triple combination therapy Trikafta, it’s like waking up from a terrible nightmare.
“Your health comes first, people will understand.” I encountered this sentiment during every breakdown I had. People certainly were understanding. I am so grateful for that. However, I could have done more to take the burden off other people.
I spent so much time desperately clinging to the life that I once led, while simultaneously attempting to prepare for my undetermined future. I would get overwhelmed, shut down, and then run on some sort of autopilot.
I found myself allowing CF to run my life. It decided what I would do and when. I didn’t quite have a choice in the matter, but I could have handled it better. I could have worked within my capabilities — or lack thereof — instead of against them.
I would sit like a zombie watching days, weeks, and even months pass while unable to keep a grasp on anything. My embarrassment would get the best of me. I would burrow deeper into myself. What I should have done was swallow my pride and reach out.
I am sorry to those I let down. I’m sorry to family members who depended on me, friends whom I didn’t keep up with, my dogs who missed their walks, the co-workers I was short with, and the bosses whose deadlines I missed. These are things that will haunt me for some time.
Many have said that apologies are unnecessary. CF is not something I can control. “You were doing your best,” they’ve told me.
My dreams are holding on by threads because of the kindness of others. It takes a village.
I am ready to leave these burdens in the past. It’s a new year, a new decade, a new start. I have learned from my mistakes and am ready to work toward repairing the life CF has tried to tear down.
» Follow my journey at “The Living, Breathing Wendy” «
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