It’s a new year. For many, that means a fresh start. A chance to clear your mind and move past burdens you wish to leave behind.
I have never really been into this concept, for no particular reason. However, 2019 was easily the hardest year of my life. Cystic fibrosis was getting the best of me, and I let it. I let many people down. It was a great source of anxiety for me. Now that I have some mental clarity, thanks to the new triple combination therapy Trikafta, it’s like waking up from a terrible nightmare.
“Your health comes first, people will understand.” I encountered this sentiment during every breakdown I had. People certainly were understanding. I am so grateful for that. However, I could have done more to take the burden off other people.
I spent so much time desperately clinging to the life that I once led, while simultaneously attempting to prepare for my undetermined future. I would get overwhelmed, shut down, and then run on some sort of autopilot.
I found myself allowing CF to run my life. It decided what I would do and when. I didn’t quite have a choice in the matter, but I could have handled it better. I could have worked within my capabilities — or lack thereof — instead of against them.
I would sit like a zombie watching days, weeks, and even months pass while unable to keep a grasp on anything. My embarrassment would get the best of me. I would burrow deeper into myself. What I should have done was swallow my pride and reach out.
I am sorry to those I let down. I’m sorry to family members who depended on me, friends whom I didn’t keep up with, my dogs who missed their walks, the co-workers I was short with, and the bosses whose deadlines I missed. These are things that will haunt me for some time.
Many have said that apologies are unnecessary. CF is not something I can control. “You were doing your best,” they’ve told me.
My dreams are holding on by threads because of the kindness of others. It takes a village.
I am ready to leave these burdens in the past. It’s a new year, a new decade, a new start. I have learned from my mistakes and am ready to work toward repairing the life CF has tried to tear down.
» Follow my journey at “The Living, Breathing Wendy” «
Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today, or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.