Getting divorced in the period of adjustment after a transplant

In a private Facebook group for adults living with cystic fibrosis (CF), a post jumped out at me asking if anyone had gone through a divorce after their double-lung transplant. The post instantly caught my attention because that’s my current situation. What disturbed me was the number of responses saying, “Yes, me.”

After being with someone for 17 years and seeing many ups and downs of adulthood and CF life together, four years after the transplant, my marriage is over. I’m not here to share why we’ve arrived at this point. But the moment I read those Facebook comments, I couldn’t help but feel the camaraderie of a group I didn’t want to be in.

No one wants to join this group. No one commits to marriage with the thought that they could get divorced one day. So much can strain a marriage in everyday life, even for couples with the advantage of typical health. But when one spouse has a chronic and progressive disease like CF, the toll on the relationship can be overwhelmingly heavy.

So many variables can affect that equation. CF is hard. Advanced and end-stage CF is harder. Transplant surgery is life-changing.

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Factors affecting marriages

Specific divorce rates after transplant are hard to determine. Causality is, too, but the physical, emotional, mental, and financial strain of transplant is enough to test even the best of relationships. The stress of medical procedures, changes in life perspectives, and potential changes in health and lifestyle can play a part in marital dissolution.

The website for Gift of Life Howie’s House features the article “Relationships – ‘Until Transplant Do Us Part,'” which provides guidance and suggestions for the caregiver within a marriage that’s navigating a transplant. An article on the American Kidney Fund website stresses the importance of mental health support following transplant for the recipient and their families.

Divorce is stressful and expensive. It can lead to increased anxiety and depression, as well as decreased self-esteem and insecurity. It can leave you feeling lonely and isolated. Living arrangements and financial stability are generally affected, especially because work may not be an option for the person who had a transplant. Stress already accompanies transplant, and additional stressors should be avoided as much as possible for health reasons. Divorce, of course, creates an extreme level of stress.

My thoughts continue to return to the many of us with CF who have survived double-lung transplants and are also ending up in divorce. Is there something lacking in the way we prepare spouses for this procedure and its aftermath? Could additional mental health support be made available for couples following transplants? How could this process be improved for couples to survive it and enjoy the gift of more time together?

I realize some marriages cannot be saved no matter what support practices are implemented, but I feel that we can save some. And even one is worth it, in my opinion. Unfortunately, it was not mine.

Here’s an enormous shoutout to all the partners and spouses who have gone the distance or are going it now, who are sincerely in it for better or worse, sickness and health, good times and bad. I see you, thank you, and admire your love and commitment. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, but you’re doing it. If you’re willing to share tips or secrets for success, it may help others.

Best to all navigating this tough road! Sadly, you’re not alone.

Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.