The importance of telling someone they’ve had an impact on your life
Don't wait until their eulogy to share what they mean to you
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My sister, Alyssa, has been a frequent subject of my writing since she died in 2018 at age 29. Even when I wasn’t sure of myself as a writer, she was highly supportive of my burgeoning interest in the craft. After she died, I determined that writing, especially about grief and her, would be one of the ways I communed with her.
In the days after Alyssa died, I was touched by the outpouring of love and support from dozens of people, some of whom I never knew, who shared fond memories with my sister. Family members told stories that I’d never heard before. One of the best parts of social media is connecting with people from all over, particularly after a loved one’s death.
Yet, while I felt comforted by these stories, a nagging thought kept bouncing around in my mind: Did my sister know how loved she was and how much of an impact she had on others’ lives?
From left, Sue, Alyssa, Frank, and Tré LaRosa pose for a family photo. (Courtesy of Tré LaRosa)
When I reflect on my sister’s 20s, I remember how left behind she felt as her peers graduated from college, began their careers, got married, and started having children. While she saw others’ lives progress, she was caught in wave after wave of hospitalizations, doctor appointments, and wrenching letdowns as she navigated cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. She was happy for her friends, of course, but it was undoubtedly bittersweet for her, especially as her health became less stable.
It makes me wonder how my sister would’ve felt if she knew everyone else faced setbacks, too. Moreover, I wonder how Alyssa would’ve felt had she known that her openness and resilience inspired others when their reservoirs of hope and strength ran low.
Of course, no one intended harm by not expressing to Alyssa the role she played in their lives. Doing so could have been uncomfortable, especially when she wasn’t doing well. To me, this reality is the saddest part. My sister appreciated all the support, but it wasn’t until she died that I realized she wasn’t just the recipient of this support; she was actively giving people hope that they could overcome and persevere through many of life’s challenges.
A lasting impact
Recently, my parents received a Facebook message from somebody who met my sister in high school more than 20 years ago. My sister has been gone for over eight years, yet this woman still thinks about Alyssa and feels inspired by her resilience in navigating health challenges. It reminded me that even after death, we live on in other people’s memories, potentially even influencing who they become. I wish my sister knew the impact she had on this woman’s life.
I sometimes struggle with this. It’s easy to lose sight of what matters, to become so overwhelmed or bogged down by life that it’s hard to connect with people. Not all of us are comfortable expressing our appreciation for others through words. Perhaps we don’t even realize how much someone affected us until they’re gone. In that way, a person’s death can reverberate outward, prompting a sense of intense presence that everyday life tends to dull. Sometimes it takes such an event to shake the misplaced sense of permanence that can make us forget that life is fragile, and we will one day experience grief that refuses to be ignored.
As I think back on my sister’s life, I often wonder how I would do things differently if I could. I choose not to live with regret — I know I was doing my best — but in pondering how I can transform sorrow into something positive, I have found that I don’t want to wait for a eulogy to express my love and appreciation for someone. I want those around me to know how much they mean to me, just as I want to know that others love and care about me.
We all deserve to feel loved and supported and to know the impact we’ve had on others.
Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.
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