Lessons from being married and sharing my health with a spouse
On my first anniversary, I'm reflecting on what it's like to be fully seen
By the time you read this, I will have just celebrated one year of being married to my incredible husband. I’m by no means an expert, but I’ve already learned a few valuable lessons about marriage in relation to my health.
Life with cystic fibrosis and almost eight years after a double-lung transplant has posed various challenges to my relationships. Adding the ups and downs of romance to my roller coaster of health circumstances has been complicated. That’s one of the reasons it’s a miracle that I’m married, in my opinion.
I’ll spare you the details, but people have used my disability against me in relationships. Too often, especially in romantic situations, sharing intimate details about my health has caused boys to run in the other direction. That’s caused me to distance myself from others as a way to protect myself. While I’ve done a great deal of work to heal from those negative experiences, let’s just say my caution meter runs pretty high.
When my husband entered my life, he was a really good friend. For real, that’s all he was. He was easy to trust with my full self — even when talking about my health, which was another miracle. Typically that takes time for me, even when I’m assured that someone won’t use my health against me. I didn’t know how different it’d be when I met a man with character, who didn’t vanish when my health was challenging.
So when things shifted and we became interested in each other on a romantic level, I began to retreat inward on matters of my health. It’s my learned and instinctual response to prevent myself from others hurting me. While I thought I was protecting him from seeing me suffer, however, it was hurting him that I shut him out.
What I’ve learned
Especially since I’m a therapist, I’m usually the one who takes care of others, not the other way around. It’s always been my job to make sure that everyone is OK. Even in my discomfort, I’ve comforted everyone. So when I got married, I tried to do the same thing: hide my symptoms that I deal with daily behind the strained smile of “I’m fine.”
I wasn’t expecting that my husband would see right through my bull.
I had to go through the growing pains of allowing my husband to be there for me. He wanted to understand my health and all the details so that he could take care of me. Turns out that he wasn’t OK with just dropping me off at the emergency department when I had an urgent medical issue; he wanted to be there with me. It’s scary and wonderful at the same time to be fully seen.
The learning curve of a deeper level of vulnerability has been pretty steep. I’m continually learning how many pieces of my health puzzle I’ve kept to myself. My husband has demonstrated that I can trust him fully and does indeed want to be present for everything that I go through. And he’s proven time and time again that he’s steadfast in every way.
I’ve had to rewire my brain for what’s true. My husband taught me that my health is not a deterrent to me being loved. He’s never seen me as less than, unable, or not a real person. He sees me fully as I am and loves me completely.
I’m so grateful that God knew the type of man that I needed before I did. My husband has taught me the true meaning of love — in sickness and in health.
Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.
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