When it comes to past CF medical trauma, my body keeps the score
My 5 senses often take me back to the time before my transplant
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Sometimes, memories are triggered by my senses — things I hear, see, smell, or touch — and before I know it, I’m spiraling down a rabbit hole of past trauma from my life with cystic fibrosis (CF). It’s fascinating how my five senses remember everything and often transport me back to those times.
Hospital settings are when my olfactory memory is most heightened. The fresh scent of antiseptic and medical supplies takes me back to when I was hospitalized before my double-lung transplant eight years ago, of chlorhexidine scrubs on my chest before my port-a-cath was accessed, of alcohol swabs scrubbing the hub of my catheter after it was accessed, and of every surface of my room being sanitized to prevent more germs.
Even the scent of medicine takes me back to that time. The hospital smells became familiar and even comforting, reminding me that my health was being monitored by someone besides me.
When I’ve been back in the hospital since my transplant, I can taste the medication before it even hits my veins. Then there’s the aftertaste of the antibiotics. I can even taste the alcohol swabs that sanitize my IV. Between sinus rinses, oral medications, and the solutions I ingest, it’s not a pleasant memory.
Common senses
Given the number of times that I’ve been poked, prodded, bruised, and scarred, touch can also spark an unwanted trip down memory lane. Most of these encounters have been painful, so anticipating being touched causes me to brace for the impact, and the sense of anticipation only gets worse.
There’s no place to be alone inside the hospital room, so I was always on high alert with people filtering in and out every 10 minutes to draw blood, administer antibiotics, and check my vitals. I never sleep restfully in the hospital, and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being woken by strangers. At home, any faint noise is enough to jolt me awake, or I’ll dream of IV pumps beeping.
Of course, the things I saw are what I remember most, and the operating rooms, hospital, doctors’ offices, and preoperative spaces all prompt memories of traumatic experiences that my body often feels before I actually think of them. A kind of hypervigilance comes over me as I prepare for what I’m about to endure, be it a surgery, office visit, or hospitalization. It’s like the worst kind of déjà vu.
As I continue the hard work to regulate my nervous system, rewire my brain for new experiences, and process past trauma, I know trips to the doctor or hospital will continue to trigger memories. The five senses are powerful and hold so much old data, but that’s not where I am anymore. And I’m so thankful for that.
Note: Cystic Fibrosis News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cystic Fibrosis News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to cystic fibrosis.
Mr J P Jordaans
The body keeps the score. As in the book of dr Bessel van der Kolk? Somatic Experiencing etcetera? We are currently reading this book and love it. We also practise SE together. Thatcher is me and my wife Debbie .