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Dealing with Feelings of Survivor’s Guilt?
In his most recent column, William Ryan explores his feelings of survivor’s guilt.
“I’ll never be able to shake the guilt I feel about his death. Maybe it’s because of the trauma one faces when someone dies so young. Maybe it’s because I had two family members pass shortly after he did. What I do know is that you cope.”
Survivor’s guilt is a feeling I am very familiar with. It can be a difficult thing to understand, sit with, and carry with us. I appreciate William’s vulnerability in discussing this and it provided a feeling of catharsis as I read his thoughts.
Have you experienced survivor’s guilt? How do you cope with it when it happens?
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6 Replies
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Ah — I sometimes feel like I am an oddball. I have lost various young friends/ family members and don’t feel survivors guilt. I often am struck by an intense depression and a renewed sense towards the fragility and uncertainity of life. In terms of coping with depression — lots of therapy and learning to be very gentle with myself and going slow.
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Hi
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I have a deep sense of survivor’s guilt just because I am now 48, just getting diagnosed, and as a person with CF who was born in the 1970s only have a life expectance of age 14. I feel guilty because not only should I not be alive, I have even been sick enough to be diagnosed until now. I know it’s silly and I am grateful for the life I have had until now, but I think about how differently I might have lived my life if I had known about CF before now.
Overall, I am grateful for the life I have had and thankful that I have not had to go through what a typical CF patient has experienced.
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Laura Lee, I firmly believe we can hold space for both gratitude and guilt at the same time. I, too, am so incredibly grateful for the life I have, while also feeling strangely guilty that I’ve been this blessed. I am no more deserving than anyone else. A friend of mine said something to me a few years ago that I’ve carried with me ever since. When I was starting Trikafta, feeling so happy for the opportunity but knowing that not everyone would have access or eligibility, she said to me, “Gratitude is the answer to so many of life’s questions.” Anytime I feel guilty or underserving or sad for the loss of so many others, I try to remember that gratitude is the answer. A conscious practice of gratitude has helped me navigate so much! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this.
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Laura Lee,
I can so relate to your feelings. I was diagnosed with CF in my mid-30s. While my initial experience with CF was frightening and life-threatening, I survived that initial crisis. Yes, I had to change my lifestyle with the CF diagnosis, and I have had brushes with lung infections and hemoptysis over the years but, aside from that, I’ve lived a relatively productive and unencumbered life.It was my own experience with CF that made me avoid at all costs any other people with CF. I was deeply grateful that my experience was “minimal” but felt as though I did not deserve to live so freely when others seemed to suffer so much more. I felt unworthy to share the airspace of CF with others.
My partner finally convinced me to join this forum and contribute by sharing some of my story and experience. She wisely saw that my avoidance of other people with CF was a demonstration of my avoidance of dealing directly with the realities of CF in my life.
By opening myself to these discussions and reading the accounts from my fellow forum members, I have become more comfortable with my CF diagnosis. I am no longer so reticent to let people know about my CF diagnosis and the realities it has on my health. I am more at ease with CF.
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Timothy, you are not only worthy of sharing airspace with others, your presence and contribution are so valuable. I’m so glad you’ve joined this community — a huge thanks to your partner for the encouragement and to you for having the bravery to do it. This comment of yours genuinely moved me to tears, that last paragraph in particular. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being here and for being so vulnerable.
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